The cost of holding on to anger

and why reframing the way you look at it will help you let go of it

Anger is often misunderstood. Many of us cling to it as though it grants us power, leverage or control over a situation that has deeply wounded us. We convince ourselves that if we remain angry long enough, justice will somehow be served, lessons will be learned or the person who hurt us will finally understand the pain they caused.

Yet, in holding onto anger, we often become the ones who suffer the most.

While anger is a natural human secondary emotion, remaining trapped in it can come at a significant cost to our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. Instead of protecting us, unresolved anger can prevent healing, keep us tethered to the past and rob us of peace in the present.

Think about the last time you were consumed by anger. You likely replayed conversations repeatedly in your mind. Your body may have felt tense and restless. Sleep became difficult, your appetite changed and rational thinking gave way to emotional reactivity.

This is not simply a feeling. It is a physiological response.

The effects of anger:

When we experience anger, our bodies release stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. These hormones prepare us for a perceived threat by increasing heart rate, blood pressure and muscle tension. While this response is useful in genuine emergencies, living in a prolonged state of anger places significant strain on the body.

Research continues to show that chronic stress and anger can contribute to:

• Anxiety and depression

• Sleep disturbances and insomnia

• Digestive problems

• High blood pressure

• Skin conditions

• Headaches and migraines

• Increased risk of cardiovascular disease

  
  

A 2024 study published in the Journal of the American Heart Association found that even brief episodes of anger can negatively affect the ability of blood vessels to function properly, placing additional strain on the heart. Researchers concluded that repeated episodes of anger may contribute to long-term cardiovascular risks.

Australian research has similarly highlighted the impact of chronic stress on physical health. Recent findings from Medibank and The Growth Distillery identified stress as a significant contributor to increased blood pressure and heart strain, with almost half of Australians reporting that ongoing stress negatively affects their mental wellbeing.

What about the illusion of punishment?

One of the greatest misconceptions about anger is the belief that it somehow punishes the person who hurt us.

In reality, most people continue living their lives while we replay the offence in our minds, allowing it to consume our thoughts, energy, and emotional resources.

Holding onto anger is often compared to drinking poison and expecting someone else to become ill.

We may wish for karma to intervene. We may hope the other person experiences the same pain they caused us. Yet these thoughts rarely bring relief. Instead, they prolong our suffering.

The truth is that anger often becomes a performance for an audience that does not exist.

Before allowing anger to take root, it can be helpful to ask yourself an important question:

"Were the boundaries I believe were crossed ever clearly communicated?"

Many conflicts arise not from deliberate malice but from differing expectations, assumptions, or understandings.

What seems obvious to us may not have been obvious to the other person.

This does not excuse harmful behaviour, but it can create space for understanding and reduce unnecessary resentment.

Often, hurtful words and actions stem from another person's own struggles.

People who are consumed by jealousy, insecurity, resentment, fear or unresolved pain frequently project those emotions onto others. Their behaviour may say more about their internal world than it does about your worth.

This perspective does not mean accepting mistreatment. Rather, it allows us to shift from anger to compassion.

Compassion is not about excusing behaviour.

It is about freeing ourselves from carrying the emotional burden of someone else's unresolved issues.

One of the most empowering realisations we can have is that while others may trigger our anger, we alone control our response.

Not every criticism deserves a defence.

Not every accusation requires a response.

Not every conflict needs your participation.

You do not have to show up to every argument you are invited to.

Choosing peace is not weakness. It is wisdom.

Sometimes the strongest response is refusing to hand over your emotional energy to a situation that does not deserve it.

What is your anger’s purpose?

When anger lingers, it can be useful to become curious about it.

Ask yourself:

• What is this anger trying to protect?

• Is there hurt underneath it?

• Am I grieving something I have lost?

• Is my pride wounded?

• Am I longing for an apology, acknowledgement or forgiveness?

What if someone is angry with me?

Just as you cannot control another person's behaviour, you cannot control their anger toward you.

What you can control is your response.

You can choose calm over chaos.

You can choose boundaries over confrontation.

You can choose self-respect over people-pleasing.

You can choose peace over proving a point.

Their anger belongs to them.

Your response belongs to you.

Mental health challenges affect millions of Australians each year, with anxiety disorders among the most common conditions experienced across the population.

Given the pressures many Australians already face from financial stress and workplace demands to relationship difficulties and family responsibilities, holding onto anger only adds another burden to carry.

Anger serves a purpose when it alerts us to injustice, hurt or violated values. However, once that message has been received, continuing to hold onto anger often becomes self-destructive.

The reality of holding onto anger:

Holding onto anger rarely changes the past.

It rarely changes other people.

But it can change us.

It can affect our health, our relationships, our sleep, our happiness and our ability to experience joy in the present moment.

Let us choose a different path.

Let us choose understanding over resentment.

Compassion over bitterness.

Peace over punishment.

Because ultimately, forgiveness and letting go are not gifts we give to others.

They are gifts we give ourselves.

And remember anger is often considered a secondary emotion that arises from a primary emotion such as fear, frustration or hurt.